Sound of Me

Hello, all! This is my first post on the new blog, and so I guess I'll start out by telling everyone a little bit about myself and what I hope to share with you through the blog.

I am a freshman in college and am in the midst of pursuing recovery for what has been arguably a life-long eating disorder. I've gone through anorexia in high school. This eventually switched over to binge eating disorder, and it remains to be my primary struggle. However, I am familiar with, and sympathetic to, any mode on the wide spectrum of disordered eating, and hope that you will be able to see that as you continue reading my blog.

The goal of this blog is to post about all the wealth of information that I am learning in recovery. I am fortunate enough to have access to a therapist who specializes in eating disorders (who I am meeting on Saturday!!!), a nutritionist who is familiar with eating disorders (and has been helping me pursue different approaches to my eating, including Intuitive Eating, which I may talk about later), and a group therapy for body image (which is small, but we are just getting started and I am excited to see where it goes). I also have a loving boyfriend who will be helping me to restore my trust in people by the necessity of letting him in and the experience of still being loved and accepted (I am very fortunate for this, but am determined to convince you all that you are worth this too!).

I know the struggle that people face to access this kind of support. For years I wanted therapy, but there wasn't anyone specialized nearby, or we couldn't afford it, or our insurance didn't coincide with the treatment. Sometimes I've felt like the idea of my recovery has sort of fallen by the way-side for people. I've been at the extremes -- eating next to nothing for weeks, and binging non-stop for days. I've hit both frighteningly low and high weights in short periods of time. But I also know what it is like to be in that strange place in between. It's a place where you know something is wrong, and you need help, but you just don't know how to ask for it. It's easier not to, because eating disorders are all about secrets, and it's easy to keep a secret when no one notices what's wrong. But that's why it's SO IMPORTANT to reach out to someone regardless. I know it's easier said than done, but trust me, it really is so important.

Nothing can replace professional support. However, I hope to pass on some of the things that I learn in my recovery through this blog. I hope that maybe it can be a useful addition to people already in recovery, or a source of inspiration for those in the midst of trying to access recovery, or a means of hope for people who just don't know where to turn. Something can be done for YOU every day. Recovery is a journey, and there is no better time to start than now.

If you are reading this, I challenge you to do any one thing toward your recovery. You could:

Tell someone close and safe about your disorder.

Look up treatment options in your area online.

Read about eating disorders and eating disorder recovery.

Look in the mirror and say something kind.

Buy a recovery workbook.

Join a support forum.

Get in touch with your emotions two or three times in the day.

Do something for the sheer pleasure of it: read, write, take a bath, put on lotion, listen to music...

Because YOU are worth it and any small step is another step toward discovering YOU.

Which brings me to my username. The site is called "Sound of Me" based on a poem I really enjoy by Jack Gilbert called "Summer at Blue Creek, North Carolina." You can access the full poem here http://poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/20582 but these last few lines are what really struck me:

"I see myself, but from the outside.

I keep trying to feel who I was,

and cannot. Hear clearly the sound

the bucket made hitting the sides

of the stone well going down,

but never the sound of me."

My journey of recovery is about finding that sound of me.

Wishing you all the best, with love in my heart.